8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
