hotel room ftw
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
