Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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