I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
