can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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