break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
