when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
