Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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