Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
