I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
