Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
