there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
