A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
