I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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