This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
