dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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