You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
