I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
