I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
