"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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