If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
