I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
