What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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