The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
