you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
