I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
