just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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