She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
