Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
