I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
