thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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