he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
