I'm gonna have a badass scar
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
