The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
