Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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