His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
