Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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