Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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