How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
