4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
