if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
