when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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