I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
