Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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