Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
