so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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