youre lurking in front of me
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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