we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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