Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
