At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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