I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
