the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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