Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
